sejjers (biggreenmonstr) wrote,
sejjers
biggreenmonstr

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my massive novel on self discovery

So I just got off the phone with mike. Giving him a break between his marathon paper writing ;) im so nice, aren’t i? well HE called ME , haha and then two seconds ago, I get another phone call with some random story he just HAD to tell me =) he is so freaking cute I cant stand it. But I mean before that ridiculous lightening story we had a semi-serious conversation about our lives after relationships and how random they’ve become. And its really weird and amazing how very parallel our lives are. Which leads me to wonder if its better that our lives would be parallel to each other or is it better that they are perpendicular and intersecting… but if they intersected, then they would eventually part, BUT if they’re parallel, then they’ll run side by side for who knows how long. In any case, my own life has taken rather random turns lately. It’s a sort of freedom im not really used to yet, but its inviting nonetheless. I feel as if I’m on the precipice of something huge, and that im undergoing many different changes – all for the better. Some on the exterior – like the tattooing which I know most of you out there would disagree with that one. Or hair-dying / cutting. But others changes have been occurring in my attitude – my mindset – my total state of being and its been extremely cleansing thus far. I feel like ive been revamped or something. Which I guess always happens when you survive something awful. Because. --And bear in mind this is the first time im really talking about this to the public livejournal/myspace blog community-- jess breaking up with me was incredibly awful and painful for a variety of reasons. A lot of it had to do with the sheer shock value, but also with never getting a clear reason why this was happening. And then the aftermath with the whole are you dating anyone this soon after etc etc etc. but even with that, its allowed me to see life without a relationship – without that secondary person behind you- without someone to come home to. At first it was gut wrenching. So much so that I couldn’t even come home. I had to stay at my moms house so I could actually sleep. But then a miraculous thing happened. He didn’t come home. He didn’t call. And surprise surprise. I didn’t die. I completely survived without him. I was still intact. I was still me. And even better, I was ok. I guess a part of me had depended on him always being here and was afraid of what would happen if he left. Well now that I found out what it feels like, it really wasn’t that bad. And I think this is amazing and wonderful because it will most definitely help me in my next relationship to know that I can be by myself and be ok. its actually happening with mike right now, tho we’re not in a relationship, its so much easier for me to understand his ‘busy-ness’ and accept it. It helps that im busy as well but the whole thing doesn’t upset me. It doenst make me crazy. And that my friends, is beautiful. Its beautiful to not worry about what hes up to or to constantly feel like I should be with him. I guess you kinda get in that routine when youre in a relationship and im wondering if theres a way to break this pattern.

But as for my life being completely random. Ive been filling my nights up with activities and friends long lost have been coming out of the woodwork. Random guys that used to be interested in me are re-surfacing and ive been meeting a plethora of new people and even one adorable guy *cough cough* mike *cough cough.* I mean, one night im getting tattooed and hanging out with beck –who is incredibly awesome by the way- and lisa too! And then the next im trading literary words with old classmates from my west chester days ultimately leading to me wanting to go back to school….duh. then theres also the times in philly where random old men try to talk to me about elevators and I don’t even want to know what randomness will ensue when dal finally comes home for the summer, but ill tell you one thing, im definitely looking forward to it like nothing else. And perhaps she will meet some of my random friends. Like danny the pirate =) but I mean, none of this would have happened if I was still with jess. I don’t mean any offense toward him… because honestly at this point im so distant from that whole situation it really doesn’t affect me anymore and it doesn’t really upset me either. It sucks that it happened and how it happened, but ultimately its shaping who I am at this very moment and who I will be moments from now. And besides that fact, it isn’t my decision to be made. Or it wasn’t. I was not in control as far as the situation was concerned. And when youre in that type of situation there is only one thing you can do. Well I guess there are two things you could do. You could either a.) accept the fact that you have no control over the whole thing and say ‘well its your loss buddy’ or b.) completely not accept the fact and wallow in self pity. I of course chose option a after much deliberation and “time.” Yeah it took awhile, but eventually I got the message. And like I said, its not that im bitter, and I don’t hate him at all, but he made his choice and that’s all there is to it. Its not going to stop me from being who I need to be and doing the things I would like to do. Its just interesting how different my life has become. And its crazy how exciting it is. Well, see ive also been thinking about this as well, and I haven’t decided if its that my life is all that more exciting or if ive just been perceiving it that way. i obviously get out A LOT more, and have been making new friends like nothing else. And its not like I go anywhere that interesting, I think its just that I MAKE it interesting, and my attitude is totally different. Or at least, now its just me, the eternal hopeless romantic ridiculous optimist, with no other real attitude swimming around my head. That sounded really awful and I didn’t mean it that way. but when you’re in a relationship, you stop thinking about things (or at least I do) in terms of yourself, and think of them as like… a couple. Its not like I did it on purpose, but when you see someone everyday for two years, its hard not to do it. So now its just me. And believe me it took a good couple weeks to start thinking in that ‘single’ mind frame again. But im relieved by it. And im actually glad to get back to me. And glad im in my optimist mindset again. its uplifting. Is that too redundant?

Im feeling very hopeful in regards to the future, even though I don’t know what its going to bring. I mean I met this amazing person that is totally on the same wavelength as me, who wants to actually do things together and is just so much fun. It’s a relief to talk to someone that’s not so serious, who doesn’t really know whats going to happen but has seemed to accept that fact. Its definitely a very good thing. And now since ive successfully wrote a two page livejournal/blog entry according to Microsoft word since my internet is being a toolbag and a half, I will retire this tired optimist lecture and attempt to get some sleep before my marathon day at work later on today. Hopefully you left this entry gaining some sort of new knowledge or perspective on me ;) goodnight night.
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