sejjers (biggreenmonstr) wrote,

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so maybe im not smiling like that lemon BUT i can still be optimistic and glare at people, right?

i've come to a realization.

it IS the time to focus on myself.

the truth is it does get hard when youre not in school. you lose focus , you lose motivation , you lose goals , and you lose the timeline in which to accomplish them.

things were much different when i was in school.

bear in mind when i say this im not making any excuses, im not transferring blame, and im not saying what he did and why he did it were ok. BUT. i think that i lost something when i finished school. and working at journeys full time i got used to the monotony of work, and started to forget what i was doing and why i was doing it. i had some sort of motivation for nashville... but i also hated being a manager. tho that took up a lot of time i began to occupy my mind with other things. i think i started to focus more on jess because of it. not really in a bad way... i mean i would think about waht to make for dinner or when i would see him next or when he would be home. of course. i dunno.

but that doesnt really fit either because i was preparing to wage a life-long battle to really do something with my painting. but i guess in a sense that was playing it safe. like i didnt really trust my relationship with jess. cuz if i did, we would make it work nashville or no nashville. but there are actually many other factors im not considering while talking about this. for instance, his side of the story.

but here we are.

or there we were.

and for the first time i am trusting it. fate. what have you.

nashville or no nashville.

touring or no touring.

no matter what happens i WILL get another degree. and i will find a good job and i wont let location deter me, if that is what i really want.

i dont kno if i really wanted nashville. i think i was fifty fifty. i def kno that i didnt want to be a manager to get there. so i guess either i wasnt ready to be a manager or i just didnt want nashville enough.

in any case.

my glowing mantra.

my everlasting noncomforting cliche.

the thing that keeps staring me in the face.

the big ugly not even really REAL.


only time will tell.
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