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sejjers

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[31 Jul 2010|02:53pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

i want to leave. i want to get out of here. which isnt really a surprise except for the fact that i'm actually being honest about the reasons why. i always feel this way when something hard comes along. when ive had a bad day or a fight or anything that makes me look inside and see what an idiot ive been. dont get me wrong, its not just me but im half of the idiot brigade in this situation. and i cant really lie to myself about it.

the reason is. ron and i had another fight. we're not even really together anymore. it feels like it sometimes and other times it doesnt. he puts it off bc hes scared of what might happen. i dont care what he says about protecting me or not wanting to hurt me, its the other way around. hes never had a relationship this long and hes never felt this way before and he just wants to protect himself from getting hurt. i get that. but id really like him to just realize it, face it, and make a decision.

the situation is. he was supposed to come over yesterday for the weekend, finally see my new place. but he fucked up and told his boss two weeks ago he'd work and forgot. so then he had to cancel. i was pissed. and upset. i turned the situation around on him. asked him if he really even wanted to come here. asked him why i was never a priority. asked him why he never takes off for me. he only answered one of those questions. his exact words were, this has nothing to do with that, of course i want to come over, and i knew this would happen.

what did he kno would happen ? did he know he wouldnt be able to come over ? did he kno i would get angry ? did he kno i would freak out and turn on him ? did he kno it would be stupid to try and get back together ?

honestly, it has nothing do with the breakup. im mad that he was an idiot, yes. but really, dont i have the right by this time to be frustrated at this situation ? dont i have the right to question it ? dont i have the right to tell him hes being an asshole.

and besides the fact that those things happened, i cant even fight about it with him normally. i cant even scream at him. he retreats. i dont kno why, maybe he hates fighting. maybe he has no balls. maybe he doesnt want to admit im right.

but heres the kicker. why on earth would you break up with me and then four months later write me an email saying what an ass you are ? i can see why. he thought he missed me but he actually doesnt. he thinks maybe i could make him happy but i dont? maybe. just maybe, i can make him happy. but heres the thing. i cant do it from here. i cant always be there and i sure as hell cant make him jump out of the plane. hes got to do it. hes got to want it. hes got to take the risk and if you ask me, hes too scared to do it. how do i kno this ? bc hes FINE when i come to see him. hes happy and its not fake, its not for my benefit. i can tell. hes very transparent in that way. i kno that i make him happy but i cant do it by myself which is what he wants me to do whether is a subconscious desire or not. i cant move there. its awful there. i dont want to raise my kids in north jersey, i dont want to live in a shitty neighborhood and i dont wnat to work at a ghetto target. i dont care if i have to move to boston or colorado or whereever but its not going to be there.

you see where hes at right now is a very comfortable place. hes got a good job, hes got his mom taking care of him with his laundry and making food every day. maybe he has to pay the bills but really, its not much more than i pay here. plus he makes more than me so he can definitely afford it. he doesnt have to do anything but work.

hes stagnant. he doesnt go out except maybe with his brother and possibly his friends from time to time. he doesnt want to date anyone else. he doesnt want to DO anything. i kno he can have more. he can DO more if he would just get his head out of his ass. he says his situation is crazy but really. you dont need to live at home to support your mom. you dont need to sacrifice your own life to help hers. you dont need to take care of them all bc lets face it, if thats what you think youre doing right now, youre wrong. nick drinks all day and night, hes completely crossed out any other beverage except coffee and possibly a glass of water at dinner. your mom picked herself up and got herself another job while the market is shitty, marina is going to school and has a job and billy is going to the marines or the navy or wahtever hes got himself into. what could you possibly need to look after ? meanwhile your life is passing by you. meanwhile a girl that genuinely loves you, who cares about you, not only you but who genuinely loves your family, is practically begging you to just take a chance and see what life could be like with someone else. together and happy. shes willing to risk everything again for you. shes known pain, rejection, and humiliation and yet she still thinks theres a chance out there.

to have someone that is willing to do so much for someone else. that is extremely rare.

youre only stuck if you refuse to wipe the gum from your shoe.

ive never given an ultimatum. ive never put a timeline on this relationship. ive never ruled out compromise. so why has he been so completely stiff. why does he slam the brakes just when things are going well ? what is this subconscious need to sabatoge any time he shows interest in coming here ? why does he shut down and shut me out rather than talking these things through ?

i might sound dramatic. i might sound like im taking this too seriously, like it will end my life if i cant resolve this. that the world will end if we arent together.

but. if we go through life passively, watching the train go by day after day and never boarding it..whats the point ? i want my blood to rush, my heart to beat fast. i want to feel on fire every time i kiss him so to me. to me this is everything. he said to me the other day that one of the only times hes truly happy is with me and that he never has to fake smiling when im around. how is that not a big deal ? how is that not worth fighting for ?

you cant shut down when i challenge you. you cant turn me into a villain you slay when theres a fight, even if im only half right.

and now. now im laying here about to take lily out feeling too stubborn to call him. too stubborn to txt him. thinking that hes a stupid prick if he thinks getting rid of me will solve all his problems. "its too hard, i just dont know. this probably wont work out, its not the same." my answer ? 'you said youre genuinely happy with me. how can you sacrifice genuine happiness for a few fights every now and then. and anyway, if you think having an actual relationship will mean that you will never fight, youre even more stupid than i thought. you cant be friends with someone without fighting now and again and you cant be in love without arguments. arguments. fights. whatever, they fuel relationships with fire. if you can learn to put out those fires without getting burned, then the relationship will be able to keep going, change and grow, which is what any successful relationship needs. no two people stay the same forever.'

thats a long reply. i could also say 'the only reason youre saying that is because deep down youre scared shitless. youre scared that it wont work out. youre scared to leave your mothers. youre scared to take a risk.'

i dont think id get an answer if i said that to him. but waht do i care ? its not like hes talking to me right now as it is. any normal person should and i emphasize the word should realize that i have a right to be mad/angry and realize that i will get over it eventually. im mostly over it now but do i really want to message him ? do i really want to txt him that ? yes. half of me really wants to and the other half is screaming no no no dont be an idiot.

here. i dug this up.

nor epep (9:25:35 PM): i think if we did it now it would be alittle hasty, but down the road id do it, i was dead serious when i said how i wanna live my life, and its not following stupid rules and being unhappy

what happened to that boy ?? where is the boy that would do anything, anytime, anywhere. since when did you let work rule your life ? since when did you let yourself be and stay unhappy.

maybe half of this is my fault. bc i keep expecting him to fail me. i keep it in the back of my mind. i have ever since we first started talking. wherever it felt too good to be true ive always had that doubt, it is. hes going to leave, hes going to disappoint me. if even i keep having these doubts, even though theyre not specifically attached to him, what hope do we have. is it my fault for not intending properly ? for not intending at all and only seeing negative outcomes ? even if they were buried in the back of my mind. am i just a lousy hypocrit?

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day two. [14 Apr 2009|04:41pm]
[ mood | geeky ]

ok so day two is apparently the day i graduate to a headset. i feel like such a douche with it on, that i just have to laugh at myself and pretend im a secret agent or an fbi agent undercover, which really isnt THAT undercover because the ear piece is huge. i wonder if target is going to ever upgrade to bluetooth. haha.

todays training entailed guest service, which is the returns/exchange department. learning the return policy, and various 'what to do if..' scenarios. one lady was totally confused at getting some of her money back on a discover card and some on a gift card, and not all of it on the discover. all in all it was a pretty good day. i had to make flyers for the go green contest in april. apparently if the store is a 3.5 guest rating in available team members, the district team lead will buy everyone in the store lunch. its funny because the rest of the store plays 'tag' which means they have to greet three customers and ask if they can help them find something. and then they get their walkies and tag someone else etc. its just amusing listening to them on the walkie considering you can hear everything unless you say channel two. i think.

i need a list of phone numbers. apparently tomorrow im banking by myself, meaning, taking all of the money out and putting it in all the registers. im high profile at target now. but i cant wait to celebrate this weekend. its goign to be debauchery the entire time, ok well i havent actually talked to my partner in crime about ny of this, but how could he possibly say no to a girl thats begging to get her drunk? hah. ohhhh well. im just excited that i could go over friday and stay all weekend til early monday morning. but then the following weekend id have to work, booooooo. haha. spoiled already.

im still not over the headset.

but i have a MAILBOX. hahaha, i have my very own mailbox and OHHHH i also have a desk! haha i have to share it with cassie, well actually, she has her own desk , we just share the office space...but the desk is for all the gstl's/gsa's. sooooooooo i have a desk!!! hah. im so important.

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gstl [13 Apr 2009|05:27pm]
[ mood | amused ]

ive been at target almost whole year...woooooooo! but today i returned to regular retail and joined the day walkers society. but i had to. more money involved, bringing me closer to moving. id say its in reach within five years or less but im shooting for two. by moving i mean...california. arizona. south carolina. florida. something. and it also depends on ron and what he decides. its hard to tell how serious he is about the fbi. hes got a year or so left of school...he could decide anything. and i kno hes not clear on what he wants but honestly, it wont matter if i transfer targets as an exec (if i can). ill make enough for the both of us. its gotta be between 40 and 50K, probably 40 to start. maybe. weekends off will be better...i get every other one. i can go to jersey on friday night and be there sat/sun and go to work monday ...but i dunno about weekends on. id like ron to come here or those.

well.

what id really like is for him to finish school here. i kno he doesnt have work here but i bet he could find construction somewhere. adn then we could get an apartment ... cuz he'll still get unemployment for another waht? 8 or 9 months ? then we could get hermes and he wouldnt have to be in jersey anymore. i mean, this isnt a great improvement but i cant go anywhere for another 18 months at least. i just like being with him. and like, aside from all the mushy goop thats love, he really is turning into one of my best friends. i can hang out with him and joke and he wont pout or get angry. and he liiiikes to cuddle. so its like, i get cuddling, sex, kisses, inside jokes, teasing, joking, watching movies, talking, all in one. yes, i still like my space obviously and i like to have separate friends as well, tho id really like allllllll of us to hang out. its not that easy to pull everuyone together. i guess its just the next logical step and i think hes ready for it. plus im also just curious as to what it would be like.

how did this become an entry about my boyfriend? haha.

anyway, as gstl, i automatically get keys with my position on them, plus a headset. haha. thats the funniest part, i dunno when i graduate to headset status tho. completed training? the practice mode on the register was funny. i only wish it had stupid prompts that had cheese encouragements. but i guess that would be come kind of programming, right? too expensive maybe. training mode just means you can scan shit and print receipts without it affecting the real total sales.

apparently there are super targets, but i think its a myth.

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i still find pieces of your presence here. [07 Apr 2009|07:36am]
[ mood | crushed ]

so. asher bit me on friday morning. it was mostly my fault. he has been snapping at nee nee for the past three or four months and actually did bite her on the nose i think at least twice. both times were without warning and for no other reason than he was sleeping on the couch. the same thing happened to me. tho i never ever thought twice about approaching him when hes sleeping his entire life. i mean, because of the way he is, when he was little i made sure to bug him when he was sleeping and eating so he wouldnt bite. anyway, every morning after work if he's still sleeping in mom's room, i go in, wake him up and he comes in with me and sleeps. only this time he bit me. there was no snarl, no growl, just straight bite. i didnt have time to react at all. it was the strangest experience. painful. everything went black and although the bite itself lasted maybe about five or ten seconds, time froze for an instant where i could actually hear the skin tear. such a sick noise. probably the equivalent of scratching your fingernail over a canvas bag. and then the blood came. i covered my nose with my hand, still holding onto the copy of the watchmen i just bought along with my cell phone. im not sure how i kept hold of them, and even more amazed i didnt spray blood on either item. mom was in the bathroom getting ready for work when i said something along the lines of, 'the dog bit me. theres blood everywhere.' i dont even remember if there was panic in my voice at all. the pain showed up five min late to the party. asher, for his part, had no clue what he had done. he didnt chase me, he didnt try to bite again, he didnt growl or snarl. nothing. fortunately because of his expert aim, ash bit me high enough on my nose that he didnt take out an entire chunk. its still intact. no offense to the sphinx in egypt or anything but i really didnt want to sport that particular style in my proboscis.

ive had this dog for 12 years. raised him from a puppy, taught him everything he knos. i am the last person on this entire earth that he would ever bite. and yet here we are. thats whats so scary about the whole situation. its no secret hes led a challenged life. im fairly certain he dropped out of the womb preconditioned to be emo. ultra emo. probable inbreeding and premature separation from his littermates only compounded the situation. add to that abuse from small children (scared to death via bats on a fence, possible hair pulling, smacking, and whatever else went on when we werent home) and beastly laughter from their obese grandmother (and lord knos any abuse SHE ever inflicted on him) all made my dog a paranoid and fearful dog. consequently making him aggressive as well. however, he really only had problems with children..never needing to be provoked into biting them, as well as anyone that resembled the old lady's body type. anyone who knew him before those attacks were safe though. he remembered everyone, even people he met only once, like jaime's college roommate, chrissy. and tutu. he's never snapped at me tho. or growled or anything. i could do anything to this dog and he would sit there and take it. aside from cutting his nails. thats probably the only thing his fear wouldnt allow me to do. sigh.

but now this situation presents a difficult decision for dad and me to make. he's old. 12. but not only is he technically old in numbers but he ACTS old. he can barely get up some mornings because of the arthritis in his knees and hips, which has been affecting him for over a year now. climbing up the steps takes a millennium and he only lasts about a block before he starts limping on walks or falling over. and forget it on the ice. it was like a slip 'n slide except after he was done sliding, he didn't want to get back on. he takes medicine for it but it only helps so much. he still falls over spontaneously like hes being tripped by a mischievous leprechaun or something. his eyes have been growing more and more cloudy in the past six or so months as well. im not sure exactly how much he can see anymore. but he also sleeps more and is harder to wake up. we think he isnt that cognizant when he wakes up. maybe his eyesight is cloudy, or maybe he has trouble distinguishing reality from dreams as hes being woken up. in any case, hes no longer safe when hes sleeping. especially in the mornings or if hes been asleep for the better part of the day.

so what do we do? hes becoming more and more dangerous, only this time theres no warning when he'll bite. and theres no telling how bad the next bite will be and who it is that he'll bite. the last thing i would ever want to do is put him down. but what real choice do i have? dimentia in dogs is slightly treatable, i did a search and theres a drug that will ease symptoms tho none of the symptoms i read included biting as one of them, and didnt say whether or not it prevented biting. thats a problem. hes old enough as it is and for the amount of regular pain he must be in from his legs alone, i have a problem giving him medicine that im unsure of what it will do to him. and even if it DOES lessen the symptoms, what exactly are we keeping him alive for? to live in pain and anxiety for another year or two? i dont mean that to sound insensitive, but it seems like that solution would really only make me feel better and ease the situation for me, and not him. i want to be a good mom and do whats best for asher, not what makes me sleep better at night. i dont want to cheat him out of life, but i mean, this dog has tried his entire life to be a good boy. hes so sick with loyalty and love for dad and me that he sits around and mopes when we're not around. literally. hes done that his entire life. every day hes dealt with anxiety, aggression, and fear. and we've done everything we possibly could to make him feel better and fix the broken pieces of his psyche. but like mom said earlier, i dont think anyone could have fixed him fully. isnt it time for him to finally be at peace? and at least it would be our decision and not some awful situation. like i said, we've prevented him biting anyone his entire life. ok well not EVERYONE, but to be fair, those he bit were warned not to go near him or put their face in his or bend over or come in the yard uninvited etc. so those bites werent entirely his fault and none of them were nearly as bad as how hard he bit me. none of them. and i think the number of people he bit was actually between 5 and 10. and hes never bitten another dog aside from neen recently. so in that department, i think we won.

i absolutely do not want to say goodbye, i dont. even as im typing this, my eyes wont stop leaking. im surprised i can actually see the screen. the very thought of seeing him lying on the table like tori was makes me want to throw up, but i dont want to put him through more agony. i dont want to look back on this six months from now and think, i should have let him go when he was fully aware of who he was..when he could go without pain. its just really awful because his good days are great. hes the same. but his bad days are so unpredictable, who knos if hes going to start biting legs or the next time he bites neen, its in a worse place or its when no one else is home. the other thing is that all of this has been coming on relatively fast. so i dont even kno how much time he realistically has left. i dont want tow wait until hes on his last straw and everyone who comes over has to tiptoe around him. we've sacrificed so much for him. well, that i could care less about but mom...shes sacrificed so much to keep him. and i kno most people would have given him to the spca or worse yet, destroyed him. that was never an option for her. and im extremely grateful for that. in reality, hes probably very lucky hes lived this long. i just dont kno what im going to do without him. for the longest time hes been the one constant in my life. whenever anything was wrong i could just go hug him. he was there through the worst time of my life, arguably. middle school, when you want to shoot yourself every day. during pop pop's death, when i didnt want to talk to anyone about it...through all the ended friendships, and all the stupid boys that didnt like me. through dan and the daily mindfucks he put me through for most of the nine months we dated. when jess left and i couldnt go home for two weeks and every single night i was home, he stayed downstairs til i fell asleep and he made sure i was ok. no matter who came in and out of my life, he was the one thing i was always sure about. it didnt matter who i had in my life because i had him and he was never going to go away. maybe thats why i was never afraid to be alone.

i remember when i went to college and was depressed for more than a month because i left him. i cried to him for an hour while i was packing up the car. and dont even mention when i moved to main street. i thought that was the last time id ever live at home again, so one night i completely freaked out on jesse, and made him drive me home to see ash and i just sat there at the top of the stairs where he was sleeping and hugged him, rocking him. i read him bedtimes stories as a puppy for gods sake. i kno that ill never be able to replace any of the dogs i have in my lifetime but theres something special about your first dog, and the connection we had and he'll probably always be my favorite. i pointed him out when he was just ten days old. there are just something things you know instinctively, and that was one of them.

he gave me so much. this is probably the hardest thing ive ever had to do. im going to miss him more than most people could ever possibly kno.

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[26 Feb 2009|09:12pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

why? i dont get it. where did you go? was it because i was a bitch? did i mistrust you? are you being shady? did you need space? are you just an idiot? did you forget? what. what is it. tell me.

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new romance, conflicts. [25 Jun 2008|03:21am]
[ mood | nervous ]

oki. so. ive been perusing the dating scene online lately. fyi, there arent many dudes worth talking to on the internet. however, i did find someone over a month ago. only problem is he lives in michegan. actually thats not the only problem. hes also 18. and i swear, if another 18 year old comes up to me and says hes more mature than his age im gonna punch him in the face. seriously. so thats part one.

actually thats part two.

part one is i have a serious thing for anthony. our lovely friend and fabulous musician...anthony. anthony ive known since dan...i met BECAUSE of dan. BUT he doesnt want a girlfriend. we've had sex. and made out. but its like...ok he comes over, has sex, chills for like forty five min and then is out. i kno he doesnt want me like that. maybe its because hes gotten so burned in the past. or wants to concentrate on music. but thats just not what i want from him. and i kno if i continue to have sex with him im gonna fall and fall hard. and then get hurt. so. im avoiding that. of course. i had to be stupid enough to ask him to teej's wedding. STUPID STUPID STUPID. but i am NOT having sex with him. not uh, no way.

part three of the story involves another online romance. this time with a different kid from north jersey (or so i learned the other day). his name is ron =D anyway, ive been talking to him for close to a month now, and finally the other day decide to actually meet him. so i went up to his place on saturday to chill and it went better than awesome. i had a BLAST. like. i havent felt this comfortable with someone since jess. and that is saying something. plus hes gorgeous and built ! and has piercings and tattoos. well anyway. since i already asked anthony to the wedding, i cant back out of that now. so i asked ron to the picnic theyre having the day after the wedding.... already ran it by teej and he said it was cool so... gah.

BUT then anthony had to go and fucking ask me to the rehearsal dinner. like. what the fuck. so i told him i would see about the work schedule and get back to him. but i suppose i should just be honest and say we should just be friends or i want to go as friends because i met someone new... and i really would like things to progress with ron if they can. i dont wnat to ruin the chance you kno ? bc i think he really would like a girlfriend but anthony ? i already kno he doesnt. and i just dont want ot go down that road.

i went down that road with jess and look where it got me. i shouldve known the minute he said no marriage that wouldve been it. it didnt matter if i wasnt interested in it or not. i should have ignored him when he said hed be there forever. but i didnt. same thing if i were to trick myself into thinking i could convince anthony to want a girlfriend. it just isnt possible and im not willing to settle for booty calls with him. its just not enough.

its not really a mess bc anthony and i arent remotely dating. i just dont want things to be weird is all. ahh well...i guess we'll see what happens in the next few weeks ! and if ron can actually make it to the picnic...this should be interesting to say the least. i mean....at least ron seemed stoked to come, so thats a good sign, and not worried in the least that all my friends there are guys .....woooooooo.

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its calling me [29 Jan 2008|02:16am]
[ mood | infuriated ]

been a long time i kno. this is just because i want to vent and dont want the person to read this on myspace. so..here's my nasty letter to him.

dearest you,

let me just start off by saying i DO understand why youre so angry. and yes, it's a shitty thing. BUT. it's not my fault the rest of your family finds me to be an awesome person. and its certainly not my fault you dont take advantage of having an awesome mother and a terrific brother. it was out of respect for you and YOUR feelings that i havent kissed your brother or elevated our relationship. how do you even deserve my respect when you didnt respect me by calling me up at two in the morning to dump me? after four months of dating, that is the way you chose to end it. well bravo my friend, because you did quite a job. and not remembering anything the next day? that was equally classy. thank you for that courtesy. that wonderful kindness. and to top it all off you decided that you wanted to be friends, never giving a thought to how i was feeling or what i wanted. no, i was supposed to turn around and be completely civil with you, completely understanding with my apparent bottomless patience just so i could ease your guilt a little. well im sorry to burst your bubble, but youre just going to have to lie down and take a long rest in this one. what an ironic analogy...you should be really good at this considering thats the only thing you kno how to do. and then when i had a glimpse of something resembling pity, you turn around and prove me wrong yet again. i thought hm, well maybe he really does want to be friends, and maybe i can bend enough to where this doesnt matter anymore. but as soon as i show any compassion, as soon as i lean in to listen, it all becomes about what YOU want again. wait, take you to get your tattoo?! are you kidding me? what the hell was in the weed you smoked. why in hell would i want to drive all the way to springfield from west chester to drive all the way out to jersey, where theres TOLLS, and then back to west chester. not to mention the fact that i would have to sit at the studio with you for over two hours. what exactly did you think we were going to talk about? oh hey, remember that time last week when you called me drunk and broke up with me? remember how you wouldnt calm down and stop cursing at me so i had to hang up with you? oh wait, thats right, you DONT remember.

i just find it fucking hysterical how you try to control my life. i was never a possession of yours you could claim. im not your pet. you cant tell me what to do and expect me to listen. who i hang out with and date is none of your business. and the funny thing is, if no one had told you what was going on, you wouldnt have found out for months because you dont talk to your family, you dont ask them whats going on. you dont care about anybody elses life except your own. sure, you may ask as some sort of pleasantry but if the conversation doesnt revolve around you, more likely than not, youll hang up the phone, or suddenly become busy.

you refuse to relate to anyone or anything and for some reason are completely obssessed with 'no one understands me.' ok ok ok, i get it. fine. you want no one to understand you? well i hope youre happy being completely alone. because people arent stupid. theyll catch on to what youre doing and how you treat them. and in case you didn kno, people dont like being used and they dont like being treated like shit. so unless you want to live a life of complete and utter loneliness, i suggest you take a long look at everything youve ever done and the way youve treated people. own up to your actions. take responsibilities and you just might save yourself from becoming and involuntary hermit.

oh and one more thing. if you at all genuinely want to be friends with me, i suggest you back the fuck out of my business until you've calmed down some. im a very patient person but even i have my limits and if i have to put up with your drama every single time we talk then eventually im going to stop listening all together.

love,
jesse

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long overdue. [01 Sep 2007|08:48pm]
[ mood | devious ]

confessions of a horrible friend, part 1.

well. we're not even good friends. i guess to start this out i should probably include some backstory. so here it goes. ok, so i worked with this girl at journeys circa 2004/2005 i believe. she wasnt there that long, maybe a few months. in any case, i didnt really like her all that much, too bubbly. too...loud ? too...into guys? im not sure. either way, it was when the boys were still there...aimee was the manager, we were at 713. anyway.. so the boys were always so mean to her, calling her a whore or whatever. i didnt get involved, i think i yelled at them a few times or something maybe. i kno there was a customer complaint once but i defended her to them. she was young, as it is, she's only 20 so i mean..thats a four year difference. maybe thats why i didnt dig her. im not sure. in anycase, she totally did this one kid who was just so ...immature and a jerk and the worst EVER. i mean.. just did him. just like that. well i was losing respect for her pretty fast, but i guess one day she had had enough of the boys being assholes and quit or was fired or something. i dont even remember the details. all i kno is i felt really bad for the way things were left, like... really bad... maybe i can dredge up the message i sent her....

...no i cant, it wont access msgs from people that deleted their profiles. stupid. anyway... yeah so i sent her this long message apologizing for the retarded antics of the others. and she replied saying thanks and we sent msgs back and forth and occasionally left comments on each other's myspaces. then we stopped talking to each other for awhile... like we never hung out or anything. well then she friended me on myspace or whatever.. and then we were talking.

so not too long ago this dude kevin sends me a msg through facebook saying 'nice ink' and im like all right cool wahtever. thanks. like.. i think i was still 'talking' to mike or whatever. but since then we have been messaging back and forth and i thought nothing of it, because he was dating this girl at the time (the same one i was talking about earlier). i mean he made some weird comments about my stomach looking worked out but i chalked it up to him being weird. well then they werent dating anymore or osmething, i mean... he never talked about it, them or her the entire time we were messaging...but then one day i get this message from the girl asking for advice about kevin! weird. so im like... ok i dont really kno anything about it.. so im trying to give her advice, meanwhile HE is talking to me and wanting to hang out, which i still was clueless about.. bc i mean, what the hell did i kno. so then after a few months of this back and forth messaging FINALLY he comes home and i can hang out with him. so then he comes into the store, whatever. and we go to the movies with dallas..and i started to wonder if he was into just being friends or what. right. so then we ended up talking after the movie for like. two or three hours something like that and made plans to hang out. but there was no move or anything..no hug. so i thought i was in the clear... like i imagined him being into me. so then he comes over to watch a movie or something and we're on the couch and i get up to get a drink, right. well when i come back his arm is over the top of the couch .. awkward cuz i didnt think he liked me or anything so then i like.. did this weird thing where i ignored it but sat on the edge of the couch and he was like you can lean back if you want or ill put my arm back if youre uncomfortable or something. and i was like oh man, i didnt kno you... uhh err.. stammering. so then i didnt kno what to do czu that totally threw me off guard. but i liked him. liek...i was attracted to him. so then i ended up going with it. i swear to god he was the one that made the first moves, not that it really mattered bc i went iwth it either way.

and i went to see him a week and a half ago or something like that. we're not together or anything. he lives way too far away right now and its just like. oh great i can talk to you on the phone and pretend im with you. hah. like. i can do that now only it would be creepy cuz we're not together.

*meanwhile* this girl is still talking to me about him, like why doesnt he talk to her and how they were best friends forever and now they never talk cuz its 'weird' and im like shiiiiit son. ergh. so now. i dont kno what to do about it. like.. im completely stuck. and he doesnt tlak about it at all. so i dont really kno everything that happened from his end. all i heard about it was that it was weird between the two of them, at least on his end. i mena, it seemed like he liked her but at the same time it wasnt clear if he could ever go back there again. like to that place. so i dunno if she thought they were better friends than they were.

ugh and im all conflicted in my feelings because i kno that if i actually hung out with her like... for real as friends, i probably would end up not talking to her anymore because shes just too much to handle. its like. rebecca when shes all crazy. i mean. i never witnessed it myself, but if i did i wouldnt be able to talk to her. i mean... shes a hollister/emo pop punk chick, which is cool if thats what youre into, i just dont kno. so shes still talking about him even now. and basically ive just been trying to avoid that whole thing and cover it up... or just plain ignore it and stear the conversation in a different direction. it makes me a horrible person i kno. but it gets worse because it seems like she kinda wants to wait for him and get back to that place when hes finished school. meanwhile, i dont kno what the hell he thinks when it comes to me. i mean, for all i kno, my visit up there was the last time im going ot see him. which i mean, it would suck but im not all that attached yet so i could go either way and it wouldnt phase me all that much. i mean, yes i would like to see him again.

ergh. whew. thats the first time i really unloaded about this whole situation. in any case. its jsut a really crazy and frustrating situation.

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oh well...you say that so well. [19 Apr 2007|08:17pm]
[ mood | excited ]

yeah so... things.

there is "massive explosive potential"

and. my tattoo is amazing and awesome. i love it.

mike is... history? not really sure,

and that is all for now.

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my massive novel on self discovery [16 Apr 2007|08:39am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

So I just got off the phone with mike. Giving him a break between his marathon paper writing ;) im so nice, aren’t i? well HE called ME , haha and then two seconds ago, I get another phone call with some random story he just HAD to tell me =) he is so freaking cute I cant stand it. But I mean before that ridiculous lightening story we had a semi-serious conversation about our lives after relationships and how random they’ve become. And its really weird and amazing how very parallel our lives are. Which leads me to wonder if its better that our lives would be parallel to each other or is it better that they are perpendicular and intersecting… but if they intersected, then they would eventually part, BUT if they’re parallel, then they’ll run side by side for who knows how long. In any case, my own life has taken rather random turns lately. It’s a sort of freedom im not really used to yet, but its inviting nonetheless. I feel as if I’m on the precipice of something huge, and that im undergoing many different changes – all for the better. Some on the exterior – like the tattooing which I know most of you out there would disagree with that one. Or hair-dying / cutting. But others changes have been occurring in my attitude – my mindset – my total state of being and its been extremely cleansing thus far. I feel like ive been revamped or something. Which I guess always happens when you survive something awful. Because. --And bear in mind this is the first time im really talking about this to the public livejournal/myspace blog community-- jess breaking up with me was incredibly awful and painful for a variety of reasons. A lot of it had to do with the sheer shock value, but also with never getting a clear reason why this was happening. And then the aftermath with the whole are you dating anyone this soon after etc etc etc. but even with that, its allowed me to see life without a relationship – without that secondary person behind you- without someone to come home to. At first it was gut wrenching. So much so that I couldn’t even come home. I had to stay at my moms house so I could actually sleep. But then a miraculous thing happened. He didn’t come home. He didn’t call. And surprise surprise. I didn’t die. I completely survived without him. I was still intact. I was still me. And even better, I was ok. I guess a part of me had depended on him always being here and was afraid of what would happen if he left. Well now that I found out what it feels like, it really wasn’t that bad. And I think this is amazing and wonderful because it will most definitely help me in my next relationship to know that I can be by myself and be ok. its actually happening with mike right now, tho we’re not in a relationship, its so much easier for me to understand his ‘busy-ness’ and accept it. It helps that im busy as well but the whole thing doesn’t upset me. It doenst make me crazy. And that my friends, is beautiful. Its beautiful to not worry about what hes up to or to constantly feel like I should be with him. I guess you kinda get in that routine when youre in a relationship and im wondering if theres a way to break this pattern.

But as for my life being completely random. Ive been filling my nights up with activities and friends long lost have been coming out of the woodwork. Random guys that used to be interested in me are re-surfacing and ive been meeting a plethora of new people and even one adorable guy *cough cough* mike *cough cough.* I mean, one night im getting tattooed and hanging out with beck –who is incredibly awesome by the way- and lisa too! And then the next im trading literary words with old classmates from my west chester days ultimately leading to me wanting to go back to school….duh. then theres also the times in philly where random old men try to talk to me about elevators and I don’t even want to know what randomness will ensue when dal finally comes home for the summer, but ill tell you one thing, im definitely looking forward to it like nothing else. And perhaps she will meet some of my random friends. Like danny the pirate =) but I mean, none of this would have happened if I was still with jess. I don’t mean any offense toward him… because honestly at this point im so distant from that whole situation it really doesn’t affect me anymore and it doesn’t really upset me either. It sucks that it happened and how it happened, but ultimately its shaping who I am at this very moment and who I will be moments from now. And besides that fact, it isn’t my decision to be made. Or it wasn’t. I was not in control as far as the situation was concerned. And when youre in that type of situation there is only one thing you can do. Well I guess there are two things you could do. You could either a.) accept the fact that you have no control over the whole thing and say ‘well its your loss buddy’ or b.) completely not accept the fact and wallow in self pity. I of course chose option a after much deliberation and “time.” Yeah it took awhile, but eventually I got the message. And like I said, its not that im bitter, and I don’t hate him at all, but he made his choice and that’s all there is to it. Its not going to stop me from being who I need to be and doing the things I would like to do. Its just interesting how different my life has become. And its crazy how exciting it is. Well, see ive also been thinking about this as well, and I haven’t decided if its that my life is all that more exciting or if ive just been perceiving it that way. i obviously get out A LOT more, and have been making new friends like nothing else. And its not like I go anywhere that interesting, I think its just that I MAKE it interesting, and my attitude is totally different. Or at least, now its just me, the eternal hopeless romantic ridiculous optimist, with no other real attitude swimming around my head. That sounded really awful and I didn’t mean it that way. but when you’re in a relationship, you stop thinking about things (or at least I do) in terms of yourself, and think of them as like… a couple. Its not like I did it on purpose, but when you see someone everyday for two years, its hard not to do it. So now its just me. And believe me it took a good couple weeks to start thinking in that ‘single’ mind frame again. But im relieved by it. And im actually glad to get back to me. And glad im in my optimist mindset again. its uplifting. Is that too redundant?

Im feeling very hopeful in regards to the future, even though I don’t know what its going to bring. I mean I met this amazing person that is totally on the same wavelength as me, who wants to actually do things together and is just so much fun. It’s a relief to talk to someone that’s not so serious, who doesn’t really know whats going to happen but has seemed to accept that fact. Its definitely a very good thing. And now since ive successfully wrote a two page livejournal/blog entry according to Microsoft word since my internet is being a toolbag and a half, I will retire this tired optimist lecture and attempt to get some sleep before my marathon day at work later on today. Hopefully you left this entry gaining some sort of new knowledge or perspective on me ;) goodnight night.

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[11 Apr 2007|12:31am]
[ mood | content ]

i feel so good right now. im reading old "poetry" and its rather interesting to see the different stages i went through. and now i am here. for now. and im completely content to stay right in here. right now. in this moment. because thats all we really have. and. ive found that it is ridiculous to worry --to harp upon-- to stress -- and yes, to even contemplate the future because by agonizing "where will i be" or " who will i be with" or "will we be together" you miss what really and truly IS. you lose the only certainty in life. which is this very moment.

so i am going to hold onto this happiness that ive placed in my pocket. and im going to look upon it every time im looking too far forward. and i will remember this moment and hopefully live in it forever.

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[07 Apr 2007|10:59pm]
[ mood | weird ]

yeah that thing that we had.

and isnt this so vague?

this.
that.
the other.

i will tell you something though.

working this much can make you go crazy.

this.
that.
the other.

what exactly am i doing now.

for one thing.

it is not what i have done in the past.

and it is probably not what i will do in the future.

yesterday
today
tomorrow

i.am.changed.

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stolen from phil [24 Mar 2007|11:27pm]
[ mood | curious ]

You are trying to establish yourself and make an impact despite the fact that everything around you seems to be against you - putting up barriers, but don't be unduly concerned: you have the right ideas and come what may, they will soon be manifested and appreciated.

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears. You feel other people's pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You are carried away by other people's enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation, which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding. You have lowered your defences in the past and you have been hurt, so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on the condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity.

You are being very dogmatic, insisting that there is to be absolutely no equivocation whatsoever about your achievements and accomplishments.

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[22 Mar 2007|11:49pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

more than that, nashville is VERY interested. interested enough to give me an interview. or should i say, most likely, very likely, highly likely, INCREDIBLY likely to give me an interview. im holding my head in my hands at this very moment. for, in this very moment, it seems im standing on the edge of something huge. i dont kno if its something huge with journeys/genesco, or if this will just be a stepping stone to what im supposed to be doing. but it just feels. monumental. i really want this interview. and i really want this job.

really.

nashville.

really.

i was so nervously excited on the phone. they said they would call me back in a few days- still figuring out interviews etcetera. can you imagine me flying out to nashville for a day and a half INTERVIEWING. me, a professional. me, learning more about photoshop. me, haveing mother effing weekends off. my god.

i feel like that scene in garden state when largemen climbs the tractor on the edge of the quarry. 'good luck exploring the infinite abyss.' i feel. alive. this moment of realization is so surreal. it is my moment. and i have it all to myself. i just want to hold onto it forever. i am so incredibly proud of myself. and that. is one of the best feelings in the world.

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forty years from now, if stomach cancer hasnt taken me... [18 Mar 2007|02:30am]
[ mood | silly ]

dear dallas,

here is a list of obituaries. do you perchance kno any of them?

love,

jesse

p.s. i am losing my MIND and i love it.

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a note to the author [16 Mar 2007|01:08am]
[ mood | surprised ]

Dear Shakespeare,

i survived the ides of march without getting stabbed in the back by my best friend. take that soothsayer! frankly, im surprised.

love,

jesse

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[13 Mar 2007|02:08pm]
[ mood | amused ]

i think im starting to understand the theory of bass.... its making more sense! huzzah!

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an entry a day leaves you less likely to talk to your therapist. [13 Mar 2007|12:17am]
[ mood | exanimate ]

all i can think about at this moment is:

poor boomhower, i kno exactly how you feel and why is my chemical romance following me around everywhere? those smashing pumpkin ripoffs wont leave me alone. just get it over with and shave your head so you REALLY look like billy corgan. "my chem." yuk. i wouldnt be singing to it if it wasnt on the damn journeys dvd.

what i was really going to say was i keep hearing steve urkel singing "feelings" while playing his accordian. i dont remember the rest of the song just "feeeelings blah blah blah feeeeeelings."

in any case, i uncovered a poem i started writing in romantic literature a year and a half ago. it goes like this:

"On a day that is so dark and dreary
My mind is feeling weak and weary
a dreaded force is close to nearing
and gives a shudder so bleak and eerie

when wind gathers 'round to howl
the feeling grows to something fowl
the internal monster begins to prowl
and nothing can ever stop it now

your heart quickens and your body shakes
and your mind imagines while your soul still quakes
your surroundings only suffocates
this is no nightmare from which you'll wake

the only way to end this horror
is to hold your breath and courage borrow
to save off any impending sorrow
til the sun rises in the morrow."

i think i like the first two stanzas the best, though they are far from perfect. they just seems so ominous. and edgar allen poe right. but then my unfailing and annoying sense of optimism creeped in to make it seem like it was all a bad dream. but of course the 'horror' i speak of wasnt really built up. i just hadnt wrote a rhyming poem in so long i think i was a little too intimidated to try and drag out a story in that format. plus i didnt have the story made up, so it makes it kind of hard.

ugh, that was from october 2005. such a long time ago. a month ago it seemed like yesterday. and now a month later it seems like ten years ago. how interesting the way time shifts in your mind.

oh i might be visiting the art institute at some point. i got this message about oh heres the info you requested. it was on animation - weird because i just finished my application and sent all the thousands of millions of dollars to apply for the visual merchandizing program. AND it came to mom's house, not mine. so i was wondering if they were still houding me from the original time i expressed interest in the school. personally, im now wishing i had signed up for july or something earlier, in case i do get in. i just want to start NOW. i miss school. ive missed school forever, and its just getting worse and worse.

and so im trying to fill up the days with different fun things. i scored a free ticket to atlantic city to see dropkick murpheys. lisa's boyfriend keiran's sister rebecca asked if i wanted to go and i was like yeeeaaahhh. so im gonna bring a few bucks for the casino and have a good time reminscing about my punk days. ill have to wear the green chucks lisa gave me the other day. thank god we have the same size shoe, she gave me seven pairs bc she was ebaying all the rest of the stuff. i got these really sweet forest green chucks even tho i dont really like them, the color is mostly why i wanted them. size five and a half. but chucks run big soo you kno. lets see, navy and yellow sauconys, lime green roos, ooh um... brown and yellow saucony PHOENIX, oh these really sweet maroon and tan asic gantrais! black and pink tigers for mom, oooh and black vegan rinndels ...VERY CUTE. free shoes are always exciting.

soooo yeah thats whats on schedule. im also trying to make more money so i can afford this ireland trip in june, but i dont really kno how thats going to happen. its somewhere near the vicinity of 1900 but it includes EVERYTHING. the only thing i would need is the passport (i think) which you can get the photos at walgreens...and i think i can dig up the forms from when i wanted to go to scotland. OK when i was ACCEPTED TO THE UNIVERSITY OF GLASGOW. UGH that still really really pisses me off.

but what journeys really needs to do is bring back chromeo, "needy girl" and that crazy dude with the peter frampton voice tube. its great how when hes on the phone with the girl and he goes " im in the studio i cant talk" and the studio is a basement with a really really low ceiling. i like the bass too. i could totally learn that base line. and elkland. i should really comprise a sweet journeys dvd with all the best videos of journeys dvds past. oh this would make it and flock of seagulls, and you could throw in a fallout boy bc it would appease the freaking scenesters. and an incubus and the killswitch song from back when i first started in kop. how about some run dmc and that tlc song where they're wearing the condom overalls.

i LOVE THE WAY THIS GUY DANCES. its hysterical ! he even does a diva point. dude ill put it on my myspace music thing because youtube is fantastic for music videos.

so now we've gone from very well written meaningful journal entries to random stream of consciousness. lovely. i think its time to end this little blurb.

about writing my book in livejournal form. oh well i dont think im quite ready for that. im pretty sure i would scar some egos. who knos who actually reads this things. theres prolly all sorts of stalkers out there not daring to comment. heh heh heh. if only i could see who they were.

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[11 Mar 2007|01:28am]
[ mood | pensive ]

i have decided that i love tom robbins. i love the way he writes. the way he sculpts a sentence, the way he uses metaphors that no one else uses. the way he contradicts himself. his imagery is funny in a subtle way. he romanticizes. he talks to himself and his audience, the readers. though i think its more to himself. kind of like how i talk to myself... but more eloquent, less crazy.

i, as i have often thought and sometimes declared, feel so crazy sometimes.

on the verge of either some brilliant genius, or on the verge of a colossal nervous breakdown. and with each new experience, with each step i have learned to care less and less about what other people think of me and what i choose to do. i am coming into my own. if you would like to join me, well that is all well and good, i dont mind the company. most the time. some of the time. ok maybe company for like, two min every other thursday.

really.

in writing class, every writing class, the professor inevitably speaks of voice. the author's voice to be specific. the essence of the novel. the personality which shines through each character and each setting. the one thing a writer cannot fake having. either its there or it isnt. voice can grow over time. it can be nourished and crafted. it can be honed, but it cannot appear out of thin air. it's innate and you have to find it. of course, some writers have a natural voice. a personality so vibrant that it leaps off the page. others... your garden variety romance novel. excuse me. trashy romance novel, generally lacks this quality. hence the use of the term "garden variety." these writers have yet to even look for their voice.

seriously.

how utterly awful is it to have to find your inner writer's voice? how painstaking is it to ignore every single cliche in the book? to re-read the boring drawl of your own words. to notice how eerily similar your own work sounds when compared to the latest novel you've just read. and even worse is imagining someone else reading them. let's just say it isnt what i fantasize about before going to bed at night. even so, more often than not i have found i dont care anymore. i have found my voice at long last. it might not be that strong yet, but its mine and i have found it. with that, i have also come to the realization that not everyone is going to find my voice a pleasant escape from reality. they might even find my charming wit to be absolutely boring. but i have learned in my short tenure on the planet thus far that i cannot appease everyone. and i cannot convince everyone to jump on my own personal bandwagon. besides, who wants bandwagon jumpers that only hop on until theyve spotted a bandlimousine. the one positive aspect of this however is, as long as you have discovered and owned your very own personal voice, there will always be at least one person on your personal bandwagon.

and that is what truly matters. the only person you have to face day in and day out is yourself. YOU look yourself in the mirror, no one else.

i have learned this and have been trying to live it as well. it is imperative in writing. if i did not own my voice, i wouldnt be able to write. i would continually press the backspace button til you could no longer read "backspace" on the keyboard. and believe me, there have been times when i have been tempted.

but this is how you begin to sift through the bandwagon jumpers. owning your voice. because if you dont own it. if you cant see it. you will never be able to see the phonies. the fakes that claim they understand and want to support you, but are really only hitching a ride to the nearest bus station. awaiting a bigger bandwagon (someone please rescue me from this ongoing bandwagon metaphor).

but jump if you must. i can tell the difference between the hitchikers and the lifers. and even if you ARE a hitchiker, you may stay for awhile, just dont be surprised if i politely ask you to de-board the wagon at the next bus stop. i wouldnt take too many liberties though. im not above pushing people off moving vehicles.

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so maybe im not smiling like that lemon BUT i can still be optimistic and glare at people, right? [10 Mar 2007|01:16pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

i've come to a realization.

it IS the time to focus on myself.

the truth is it does get hard when youre not in school. you lose focus , you lose motivation , you lose goals , and you lose the timeline in which to accomplish them.

things were much different when i was in school.

bear in mind when i say this im not making any excuses, im not transferring blame, and im not saying what he did and why he did it were ok. BUT. i think that i lost something when i finished school. and working at journeys full time i got used to the monotony of work, and started to forget what i was doing and why i was doing it. i had some sort of motivation for nashville... but i also hated being a manager. tho that took up a lot of time i began to occupy my mind with other things. i think i started to focus more on jess because of it. not really in a bad way... i mean i would think about waht to make for dinner or when i would see him next or when he would be home. of course. i dunno.

but that doesnt really fit either because i was preparing to wage a life-long battle to really do something with my painting. but i guess in a sense that was playing it safe. like i didnt really trust my relationship with jess. cuz if i did, we would make it work nashville or no nashville. but there are actually many other factors im not considering while talking about this. for instance, his side of the story.

but here we are.

or there we were.

and for the first time i am trusting it. fate. what have you.

nashville or no nashville.

touring or no touring.

no matter what happens i WILL get another degree. and i will find a good job and i wont let location deter me, if that is what i really want.

i dont kno if i really wanted nashville. i think i was fifty fifty. i def kno that i didnt want to be a manager to get there. so i guess either i wasnt ready to be a manager or i just didnt want nashville enough.

in any case.

my glowing mantra.

my everlasting noncomforting cliche.

the thing that keeps staring me in the face.

the big ugly not even really REAL.

time.

only time will tell.

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